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A new book based on my life story. Filled with pain and dispare. Trying to fight to stay alive every day when living with my father. A stroy that will have you at the edge of your seat.

Try to remember when you where little and you had a bad dream. Who did you wake up crying for? Most likely “mommy” or “daddy” . Not me I woke up crying for my grandmother. Yes, my parents were never there for me. My dad was out with another girlfriend and my mom was in a grave some where. I spent half of my life trying to understand why it was that my mother and father were never there for me. I remember when I was just a little girl having to ask my dad to read me a bed time story and to give me a kiss good night. Yes I had to ask for those things. There is always a story behind a poet and well here’s mine. Just hold on to something that you can wipe your tears on. A 19 year old female can go through a lot.
 

Misunderstood Childhood

 

Here I stand in the dark,

Couldn’t even pick up the phone

All that is left is a mark

I know how it is to be alone

 

This is my life story

It’s sad but its true

Misunderstood childhood

Mom if you only knew

 

I feel the pain of memories from years ago

Faced the beatings and the tears

And I have nothing to show

I know my one true fear

 

This is my life story

It’s sad but its true,

Misunderstood childhood

Mom if you only knew

 

I walked alone for so many nights

Looking to see

Always looking for a good fight

Trying to be some one I couldn’t be

 

This is my life story

It’s sad but its true

Misunderstood childhood

Mom if you only knew

 

Some one please save me

Dry me tears

Show me who I can be

Chase away all my childish fears

 

This is my life story

It’s sad but its true

Misunderstood childhood

Mom if you only knew

 

 

 

People wonder why I’m still alive after everything that I’ve been through. I try to forget the bad things in my life but some how they all keep coming back to me. I’ve tried to run and hide when I was younger but I realized that there was nothing that I can do but to try to face the truth and face the reality.

 

As I sit here alone in the world I wonder would life be different for those around me if I weren’t even born. I stay awake at night wondering if I’ll ever be happy. I know back then when I was around the age of five I was but now I’m not.

 

Everyone has a story to tell. Some are happy and some are not so happy. And then you have those that make you think that they can’t be real. Well mine is like that. My story is full of misfortune and betrayal. I fought for some much, just for my father to love me but all that happened was I getting pushed away to make room for a stepfamily that I do not like.

 

 

I look back on everything that has happened to me and I feel like there was never any hope for a child with no mother and a father with a nasty drinking habit. I’ve lived a life that most people fear. I look back on the stupid things that I have done and with that I have done I feel sorry for those that I have hurt really badly. I put loved ones through everything that is possible. I took off from home for weeks on end, I drank and done drugs. A few times I cut myself and well I look at my arms and I finally realized that I shouldn’t have done the things that I have.

 

 I should have been a better and more manageable teenage for my grandmother. There was a few times that she just felt like she couldn’t deal with everything I was putting her through. I spend a few days in a detention home and I realized that life at home wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. If my grandmother is reading this I wish for her to know that I am truly sorry for everything that I have done to her.

 

She was kind enough to take me in after my father left me at the end of our driveway in the end of October. She gave me a home and food. She provided everything that I needed and more then that she gave me everything that I ever wanted.

 

 

With every year that I written represents a chapter in my life.

 

 

 

 

Age Six:

 

            This time of my life I was put through a lot and yet I would of thought that I would have been to young to remember half the things that went wrong. I remember everything though. I was living with my grandmother on Chiblow Lake Road in Iron Bridge living a wonderful life. We lived on a fish farm. I remember so much of it. But the one thing that I remember the most was when my grandmother got the “call”. She got a call July 24th 1993 telling her that my mother had just passed away. I didn’t understand at first what was going on, what had just happened.

 

 I remember so many people crying and there I am standing there confused. There was my mother lying so peacefully in her coffin. Looking like an angel. My older siblings were able to understand what was going on. But not me. I can’t really say much about my mother but that she ran away from visits and it hurt me deeply. She was my mother I didn’t know why she was running from me. I loved her even though I didn’t know her. I miss her like crazy but then again who wouldn’t. She was my mother and no one can ever take her place in my heart.

 

Age Seven:

 

             Not much here that I can remember. I moved in with my father and my stepfamily, shortly after my mother died. I never was the same after that. I tried to keep to myself. I felt so alone living with my dad. I remember one year he told me that his mother my grandmother had also passed away. I didn’t talk to any one. Until my grade school principle asked me to tell him what was wrong. So I told him. He found my grandmother and he realized that she was very much still alive. He told her the story of what my father said to me. I missed a year of my grandmother being around to help me and guide me. Later in my life I would realize I would need my grandmother more then every before.

 

Age eight, nine, and ten:

 

            Why I had combined these three years together is because I don’t remember much or just chose not to. There isn’t much I can say about this year but how badly I wish I were back with my grandmother. I looked at every day just wishing to die and to be with my mom and to forget everything that has every went wrong and to no place the pain on my friends and family that in future years I will bestow on them. I look at my father always hoping that he would change and come back to his little girl that needed him so badly.

 

Age eleven:

 

I walked down so many roads in my life and I wondered if I was every going to find a way out of everything that has ever went wrong. I was soon to find out only a few days after my 11th birthday I will be walking towards my grandmothers caring arms. I was on the way back from a weekend visit with my grandmother and when we reached Blind River I told her I never wanted to go back to my dad’s.

 

 She asked my why I didn’t want to. I told her he drinks too much and yells at Ann and me and Julie (my step family) and I told her also that I was scared that he was going to hit me. She called the police fearing for the well being of her granddaughter. When the officer showed I told her my story of what was going on at my father place. And well she did not believe me. She told me to go back home.

 

When I got there my father was there for face me. I was scared he told me that if I wanted to live with my grandmother I could. Just for me never to call him and ask for help. I never did call him for 3 years. But the next day my grandmother got a call asking her to come to Iron Bridge to pick me up. My father left me at the end of your driveway. After that I went to her and my life was about to go down hill only because of myself.

 

Age twelve and thirteen:

 

            I think back on these years and I can’t believe on what I did. I started to drink and to do drugs. I found it the only way to hide the pain of what happened to me. I didn’t know where my father was and I didn’t know if he even cared to know where I was. Maybe he did maybe he didn’t. I didn’t start to get in trouble till a few more years.

 

Age fourteen and fifteen:

 

            I tried not to cry when I left Chelmsford but I did. I was leaving behind my true friends and a boyfriend I cared about a lot. I was moving to Alberta. I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to be close to my father. I moved to Medicine Hat, Alberta. Not realizing how close I was to my dad and his wife. I didn’t like it much out there. But finally I came back home. To Blind River. I met people I shouldn’t have, hung out with the wrong people and got into trouble. I got charged for theft under $ 5000. And spent 1 year on probation.

 

 

Age sixteen:

 

Dear Mom,

There is so much in my life that you have missed. Yet I don't hate you. I think with every day that you have been gone it has made me love you and miss you more. I sit in my room at night and I cry because I never had a change to get to know you. I feel like I'm alone in this horrible world yet I still have a father. If you could only feel the pain that my dad is putting me through. I pray that you could help my dad change. Ever since Ann and Julie came into his life he has pushed me away and I only wish that you were here again. There's a lot of times where I wish I had a mother there to hold me when I had my first heart break.

There has been time that I felt like giving up but yet there was something in me telling me to keep trying. Mom, I just wish you were alive again . I miss you and I think we all do. You chose Karl over your own children mom, why did you do that? But yet we all love you .

Love your Daughter

*~* Felicia Marie Cress Winney *~*

No matter what I didn’t I couldn’t see why that my life has been so messed up and still I ask myself what have I ever done wrong to lose my mom, have my father hate me and have no idea where in life I wanted to go. I didn’t trust anyone. Not ever my own best friends. I tried to do everything right and keep everything cool I was soon to realize that in a few months I will find out who my true friends are.

            My last year of this book. I look at this now as only a painful memory and left out thoughts and memories. Trying to hide everything in a body and not to show emotions. But yet I cry alone. On August 15, 2005 I got a letter from my stepmother. I cried when I read it. The letter was write like this.

 

Age Seventeen: My life I thought was just getting ready to go back to normal then I met a guy named Patrick Collard and well shit started. I started into drugs worse then I have ever done and started to drink my life away not even one day of being seventeen I'm right high and drunk.

 

Felicia

 

There are so many things to tell you. Things you don’t remember, probably things you don’t want to know. There are many things better left alone. I'm sorry you feel that your father chose us over you. That is not the way it was. We all wanted you and fought with all our hearts to keep you, circumstances prevented us from us from being a family; all of us and a young child had to make a life changing decision. The sad part of the whole situation is that we did not hear one word or know where you were until March-2002 when the RCMP called us looking for you. More heartbreaking is that well all know who is to blame. It was heart breaking for all of us. We could remember, forget, argue, deny, accuse, discuss, blame, hate, love, explain until we turn blue, in the end we were not given the chance and we have all lost and all cried and all hurt. It can never be fixed or changed. Don’t ask for something that has always been yours. To find the truth you must look for it, dig deep and be patient, remember, It will come to you, the truth, the facts, you will know. Maybe someday we will all understand why someone who claims to love you so much, destroyed your family, changed all of what could have been and should have been. Maybe someone can tell all of why. Felicia we wish you all good things for you, happiness, health, wealth and peace. Hope you can find all of these. Most of all remember.

 

Ann

 

I look at this letter and I can’t help but think about the things that happened when I lived there. Things that they forget to put in. I wrote my father a letter asking him to write back and well I got Ann instead.

 

            I wrote a poem after I read that letter. It goes like this:

 

Tears fall and then they dry,

but if a young soul has pain inflicted upon them,

the mark will always be,

 

I've cried many tears trying to bring you back,

but after so much I just gave up,

A strong heart has to give up on what is not meant to be,

 

Try to look in these eyes,

tell me what you see,

You see nothing but a lost soul,

 

I keep on running and hiding,

Regardless on what people say,

Hiding the pain is the only way,

 

This is the way that life is going to be,

Please don’t hate me,

I'm only human

 

Age Seventeen:

This was the year that I was going to finally find out what I was going to be able to do... If I was going to go to college or move to Owen Sound to work for a while then go . I was going through so much with drugs and booze playing a major part in my life. Not knowing if I’ll ever get better. I think what was the worst thing is that I was always on the edge of getting kicked out and going to rehab or to a detention home for 4 months. I didn’t know what the hell I was going to do. It seemed like I didn’t care anymore like some out of the blue I don’t care I want to fight. It seemed like there was a evil inside me that couldn’t wait to get out. I partied a lot never really care if I passed my last year of high school . I just didn’t care anymore.

 

I was so caught up with my friends, the drugs, and the booze to care about what was going on in my world. I was living in a dream where I didn’t care if I was going to die tomorrow or if the next thing I know I get into a fight. I didn’t care at all. I lived each day with the hope that tomorrow would be better for me. But things keep going down hill. I kept getting to impulses to fight and to just destroy anything in my way. I punched walls, cars, brick, anything that I could fight to help me release the stress before I fought some one.